Let’s face it, nobody needs to use the word ‘unprecedented’ ever again. Do they? We have lived/are living through them. The times... I’m not saying it again…you can’t make me.
Some of you may know that I work at a primary school, outside of acting and writing (you may have seen some of my fan mail posted on Twitter) I am now known as ‘The Best Lilly’ and honestly, I’ll take that. Sorry Allen and Cole and James… but it’s me.
Working in a school during this time has been a bit of a blessing for me, I must admit. Which I never thought I would say, particularly after the year I had at my previous school. But it has. It has kept me busy and quite often made me see the bigger picture.
Yes there have been some challenges; I had to isolate at the beginning of my first term, due to a positive case in my year bubble. Let’s just say statutory sick pay does not pay the bills.
My job is not something I talk about in detail that often; outside of my close circle of friends. I don’t like the ‘that must be so rewarding’ line; usually from people who would never do my job. And it is rewarding, it is but it’s also really, really hard. I was working at an SEN school for two years before moving to my current school and it was tough.
You end up carrying a lot of tension in your body. You have to be prepared for anything and everything at all times and it gets exhausting.
Don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t change my experiences for anything. There is so much beauty. The morning greetings, the songs, the smiles, the hugs. The parents that loved us for loving their children so much.
When you hear a child who was completely non verbal speak, for the very first time. There is nothing else like it.
It’s crazy to think back to the beginning of 2020. My head was somewhere else. Physically, I was somewhere else. We had a few losses at school and I don’t think I was handling things all that well... Only now do I see that.
I left my job in early 2020 for an acting job, with a lot of hope for the year ahead. I was doing well professionally. Keeping myself positive with work and words. But inevitably the rest came and when it did, it really was needed.
Of course there have been good and bad things to come from this pandemic. I try to hold on to the good as much as I can, but somedays it just feels dark.
Losing another friend a few months ago was hard. Setting that grieving thing off again… Because it’s like domino’s isn’t it.
Today, in this moment, It feels like I am living a completely different life; but I also get that creeping feeling every once in a while, that I’ve done nothing for a year.
I don’t even know why I am writing this, beyond the fact that I’ve been completely blocked recently. In 2019 I was writing one poem a day and now I’m at the point where if I write a couple of words a month, I’m happy.
When I think back to 2019 I don’t remember being all that happy. I wrote everyday because I needed to. When we really listen, we do know what it is we need. It just takes a bit of time sometimes. Be patient with yourselves.
I think what I’m really trying to say here is, remember. Remember there is a world out there. Even when it feels really, really small.
Look up at the sky. Remind yourself what the clouds look like. Watch the shapes they make. Remember the stars and the glow of the moon.
There was a day when a rainbow appeared over the school building, and at that very moment we just happened to be in the playground. I will never forget it, because it made me remember.
That rainbow was like the kids favourite celebrity turning up to greet them. The screams were next level; even for Tottenham.
I just stood there and smiled and knew I was lucky. I was the lucky one, being there in that moment.
Love and solidarity to all teaching staff and childcare providers,
The Best Lilly x